Cheap Heroin

Cheap Heroin

So many teeth
So many eyes
The skin is on
Smile through my disguise

Skull drips through shoulders
Fists plane through wood
Butcher the blade 
Pour & eek through my blood

(ch)
You're cheap heroin
Youre my medicine
Im drowning & 
Its never deep enough
The walls are closing in
Pleasure dissolved in sin
Clawing through my veins
Youre cheap heroin

(bridge)
You poison my brain
You march & derange about me
You wither my bones
You deliver me droned
Beat, lie & cheat
Break the ice underneath

(ch)
You're cheap heroin
Youre my medicine
Im drowning & 
Its never deep enough
The walls are closing in
Pleasure dissolved in sin
Clawing through my veins
Youre cheap heroin

So many teeth
So many bones
Sharpen your smile
& walk alone

Face drips through your teeth
Outside as empty as underneath
Binding your feet
Scaling the straits while you beat

(ch)
You're cheap heroin
Youre my medicine
Im drowning & 
Its never deep enough
The walls are closing in
Pleasure dissolved in sin
Clawing through my veins
Youre cheap heroin

(alt chorus) [higher octive]
Youre cheap heroin
Keep drawing me back in
I cant drown
& i need to make it stop
Walls are closing in
Dont know where i begin
Clawing through my veins
Like cheap heroin

Tequila Mockingbird

Tequila Mockingbird

You run like bleach
Stripped into my bones
Im breathing acid
& choking on chrome
Ill alway follow
Ive been dumb on your lead
Just a plaything
Thrown away when you seethe 

(chorus)
Tequila mockingbird
Down half a bottle & tell me what you need
Tequila mockingbird
Its not me. Its not me.
Tequila mockingbird
Down another bottle & tell me what you want
Tequila mockingbird
I want better. I need better than me.

Youre in my head
You mount the assault
Cant beat you out
Youre poison in my vault
Tearing off skin
Blood all over the floor
Broken spine
Still begging for more!

(bridge)
For all your skills,
You steel me in sulphur
Block all my calls
You like when i suffer
I make believe 
i could be the one
You tug the noose & say
You used to be so much fuuuuuuun...

Thanks to you 
my hearts still bleeding
Torn to ribbons 
Still broken and beating

Im in half a mind to make you bleed
You blindly push until i seethe
Im just living in a golden lie
Lying in your truths - i dont want to believe.

Lighter Karma

Lighter karma

Can i grab you by your 

Solar plexus

I want to whisper to the deepest you

Where you dont tread

Fear is holding you

Telling you not to ask the cheap veneer

What is behind the door

Fear of nothing you cant answer

Youve lost your light

Handed out at dirty bars

On cheap cigarettes

Youve lost your light

But curl your fingers in

Find the lighter karma

I want to dive in

Seep around your solar plexus

Slink the rib ladder and

Beat into your heart

Find where its broken and sew up the cracks

Sew it can seam less painful

See how you decorate the walls and

Straighten the paintings

Blind

I was trapped in darkness

All i could see was your light

A fog of lies trapping me

Your heart was never in sight

You are the world but not for me

The shine has gone from your eyes

And i can't tell if you even see me

And what was truth and what was lies

Im sorry that i couldnt be the thing you needed

Im sorry but i cant be something more

Im not sorry but now i shine like a shiny star

Im sorry that with together we couldnt be what we are

Keep thinking of those early days - how amazing

So perfect - i put you up on a pedestal

You had me - from hello till they burn the stars

But i guess till then I'll hide in the scars

Bridge

And then your firey eyes faded out

I could see you but you cant see me

And i was  without a light

Please see me. Please see me

But i didnt exist

Please see me, please see me

But now its over. 

You are the world but not for me

The shine has gone from your eyes

And you dont even see me

And was it all the lie you said?

You are the world but not for me

The shine has gone from your eyes

And i can't tell if you even see me

Maybe we'll get it right in the next life.

Dirt

Every time it happens

Every. Time.

Pinched skin back behind my ears

And crack my chest

Rope drawn mess

Following my undercarriage

Hoping to pull me inside

Out again.

And creeping bones

Like my smile

Subside after a turn

When the universe is solid

But now it is all

Squirrelling guts and

Drunken moons

Pouring another snifter of swoon

Delightful haze that blinds me

Delightful as it my be

I would rather you leave me full than

Jangle my bones in the dirt again.

Repeat

I am already lost

Beyond lost

In something beautiful with you

And up flies the walls

Pulling closer

Flicks away - 

Where are my manners? 

Dont you know

I pulled down my cloak so

You dont have to jump in

Puddles

With me?

Who would forgive me

Trying to scale walls

All i want 

Is 

A glimpse of you

I lie there all the same, following

Streams of matter

I have watched it happen already

Moments locked in slides

Of the universe

Repeating for years

Waiting to be lived in flesh

Not viewed like paintings

Empty Overflow

Peer through

Youd never know that behind the paintings

Hangs the reality

Pouring out through

Swirling paint drips

Trying to lick the spit through the window

So you can smell it

Taste it

Recognise the same horse behind the mirror

And shaping like a moon

You settle into the warm golden glow of the night

Arked into its smile

Looks across the yard to see

The spewing mess that overtalks

Grooming your view

Assured behind duck bills the

Guts and whinneys of 

The self despaired 

The eight burns

And you are too busy

To notice

Full with nothing

Empty overflowing

Forgot to dig your toes well into the dirt

Such a hindrance.

Your bones are showing

But your soul is kept behind the shards.

Open space

From the center

I run out from the inside

Following the grey loop

To where he sits me

Bundled string 

Knotted over lifetimes

Needing to untangle before the end

Can be found 

Tuning in

Unravel the rabble

The white noise

Slowly turns to station

In the 8's

Settled in on an

Orange cloak

Adorned in hard work

And one does not see the point

Of wasting moments

So flicks them unphased

Again the maze winds

Speeding in yellow blues to

The open space, pink and green

Through rain soaked eyes

I see you.

And lifted back to 

Steal a little taster

Twice but not as close

To drive away

Then sweet sweet lies

Down

More words escape with nothing

And washed inside by the season

The mirror is the same tone

Too far away.

Torrential it pours but inside the sunshine is solar.

Monster in a mohawk

Monster in a mohawk

Heres the damsel in distress 

Youre holding on to that old white dress and

Pretending that theses something more to see but 

Beyond your ego 

Oh here we go 

We slipped and now i missed it 

You dont want me to go (Oh Oh!)

Pretending youre the nice guy

Im the nice guy - you piece of shit! 

Pretending im the nice guy

Youre the monster in a mohawk.(x2)

Now time has drained and i remember

What it once was to be without your

Cruel ignorance

What a joke vying for your attention

I should be as embarrassed as you mentioned

And ignorant excuses

Fly from your lying gash

I was nothing but

You didn't bother to walk away

Without a few choice things to say

Dead rose

Dead roses in water

Curled in like petals

Kind of dreamy just unseemly

Clued in like thorns

Hanging off the wire

Ready to be clipped

You want to make it live

So you feed it but 

Youve cut it at the post

Your dead rose in water

Watch as it drains the life out

Watch it fall away like

Cracked finger nails

Gouging at the locked door

Falling desperate to the floor

Once full of life

Now nothing to adore

And no matter how fresh it runs

It cant hold aloft the crystal glass

Like a straw into his delicate hands

Nourishing the beauty

You killed to keep

The face is drawn

Veins sludge like venom

Dry up and crumple

Crack and crush

With the wave of each new second

All your love counts for nothing

When you cut the cord

My beautiful love

A dead rose in water

Does not see the point. 

Holding illusions

Hanging off the edge of the world

I wonder if

You would follow me

Should follow me

Find something new

So busy 

holding onto the last branch you slipped on

Wondering about tattered clothing

Whether another fall would leave you

In quite the same position

The last fingers you touched

Let go of your hand

You are over being stranded

I suppose i am not a safe bet

Swinging from leaf to leaf

I take whatever route tickles my fancy

And leave on it such colors

You may not even know it

Was a leaf before now.

So here i hang 

Off the edge of the world

Holding hands with an illusion

While you busily remember

Your fairytale monster

We arent hiring

Sorry

For a second i completely forgot who i was

Though

Just figuring out if it was then

Or if its now thats the delusion?

It always seems like the truth in the moment

Is so much clearer when

Youre living it.

And i remember such passion for it

Burning like the rope that

Juts from inside my chest

I thought i recognised the same rope pulling 

I have such an imagination!

I let it run wild

Thinking every fate is this prophetic

Its so pathetic-

I fall for it every time

And forget the same source

Pulling with one hand and 

Pushing with the other has

No idea what wall they should hang me up on, if at all.

Youre so pretty but

The content of your bones

Just isnt what the proprietor is looking for

We will keep you in mind.

In search of the fabled glittoris

In search of the fabled glittoris 

 

Oh you fucking fabulous

Shiny soul dipped in

Glittered wonderland

Shining like a crazy diamond

Pretending like they know you exist

You dont care hidden behind the

Thin veneer of pink tape

Writing your own story

Like you read the book before

Bigger than big time

In search of someone

That sees more than just the

Fabled glittoris

They want to taste

Your mind too

They want to break your back

They need to know the inside

Scars and outside in

Not just a cherry bombadeer

To blow their mind

Oh you filthy wonderland 

Slinky tongue wrapped around

To whet your appetite

Sliding like a crazy pirate

Pretending like you care they exist

Looking for a square.

I am not very good with being candid. In my head there are things you talk about, and things that you swallow down and just… keep. I do a lot of keeping when someone hurts me, or treats me badly or unfairly. I grew up in a situation where kids had a place, and there were consequences if we stepped out of turn. I learnt very quickly that there was nothing positive to be gained by speaking out, and I still feel the weight of my upbringing now. 

 As an adult, I will be in complete inner turmoil, and angry and hurt, but completely unable to express my feelings at all because I don’t want to push my (entirely valid) feelings onto someone else. I try to be frank about what I need to be okay, but people don’t want to hear about whats broken. They just want you to wind yourself up so they can play with the dancing monkey. 

 My last relationship where for years my partner did not contribute financially to the household, physically in the bedroom or emotionally unless it suited. He once told me not to stand with him at venues because music was ‘business’, and nobody wanted to do business with the guy standing with me on his arm. It took another few years of similar conversations before I finally took the hint and left him. When you ask someone for an hour a week, and they can’t give it to you because “…What if Lemmy is in town”, you are kicked into this awful understanding that you have zero significant value in that person’s life. Except that you will cook, clean, pay for and be ‘available’ when required. When they go “okay I’ll be back for my stuff but right now I’m going partying with my cousin & don’t have time to talk about it”, you know that you made the right choice. Being the disposable convenience person feels like shit, and it made me question what my value was at all. It still does.

Which is why I am feeling like I am feeling at the moment. It feels like as positive as I try to be, those insecurities of feeling disposable keep coming up. I am trying really hard to combat them, but try as I might, being taken for granted triggers these feelings of complete insecurity and uselessness. It takes a lot of work to bring myself back to reasoning, and it takes a little longer each time because being the disposable person time and time again. 

 I get upset – groups of friends that I though I was close with disappearing into nothing time and time again. I wonder what is wrong with me. Being excluded from a group despite my efforts to be supportive. Why am I not welcome? Being in a relationship where I am taken for granted (again). What is wrong with me? All these things that I turn inside because of lack of outside information. Lack of someone being able to tell me I matter. And not being able to accept it from myself because time and time again it is proven that I really don’t. 

 I concede that I am so sensitive about it now that sometimes, people don’t even know they have hurt me. I walk into a room youre sitting in, you walk out as I sit down next to you. I know that sometimes it is me being unreasonable. But sometimes I know it’s not. I know I am being upset over completely reasonable things, but then what? I had a conversation a few days ago. 

My partner is friends with these beautiful blonde skinny cosplayers a few people who I have had issues with in the past and I asked if he would mind unfollowing them, thinking it would be no big deal. He literally laughed in my face and refused to talk, other than to say that he didn’t even care about them. He thought that it was so unreasonable that he told me that I should have more self-worth than to worry… But, I just had him laugh in my face. So, I was confused, and offended, and upset and hurt. I wonder if they don’t matter then why is he defending keeping them so hard? I asked him. Incredulous anger, and silence. At least if we had the conversation we could have come to some conclusion. Agreement. Understanding. But I went to sleep in tears, unconsoled and feeling like Im still that convenience girl I was last time. There is no lonlier place in the world.

 And it’s really hard to convince myself otherwise at the moment. Outside of my relationship I have my job, and that’s pretty much it. I have casual friends, but nobody I could really sit down and have a tea with and destress. I work in an area where being an ‘alternate person’ is a very clear disadvantage. Not officially, but my management sort of decided I was stupid, and ever since have assigned tasks that are at best dull, and in no way aligned with my pay scale. I had originally been in IT, but a restructure saw management assign me to a team in a corporate environment that was a lot less accepting. As easy as it is to book meetings and spell check, I have been unfortunately blessed with a brain that craves being utilised and challenged to be motivated. I will constantly raise the need for meaningful work with my management which until now has been to no avail. Apparently if you start the correct HR process, ass covering commences and suddenly I find myself with ample workload, and management crying foul that I would accuse them of preventing me from having meaningful work to engage in. 

 Many times, I have considered medication. I have depression and anxiety medication in my drawer at work in case one day things are just too much. They are most days, but every time I look to dull the pain I read the side effects, and I push through. Because As bad as I feel, they seem worse, somehow. Mostly. Some days I come closer than others, but always they end up in the drawer. Why? I just don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with me. I am in the wrong place. I am frustrated and stressed out. I am out of my element. I am out of place. I am the square peg. And the square peg is supposed to be square no matter how much the pills will take the edge off it. 

 *I take the pill, and I sit in a round hole. Uncomfortably. But I am a square. I sit in the round hole and tell myself I’m a circle. But no amount of telling myself that and squishing myself into the round hole will change the fact that I am square. I have corners. And I am sad because I need a square hole.* 

 So I continue on, sometimes in tears, sometimes frustrated, sometimes numb, hoping that things will change and trying to imagine just how I would do that. How would I leave? Where would I go? Is it possible to have a life that I wouldn’t dream of escaping? No matter where I go, there I will be. With the same insecurities in a new place. Ready to poison that too. Until I find the square hole I belong. 

 …I hope it exists.

Again, again

He said

She has the prettiest smile in all the west

She hides it

Behind fingers

Nobody wants to see

So she hides

 

She wants to hear

Again again

Tell me the thing

Till I can believe it

Tell me again

 

Just plain

Hiding behind the strange

She is just plain

Wish someone could see and say

Its okay

 

He said

Youre stronger than this

She isn’t she isn’t

Not today

So she hides

Behind crying eyes

 

Trying to hold the stern face

And seem angry till it goes away

Full of knots inside

We won’t eat for two days

So full and empty

 

She wants to hear

Again again

Tell me the thing

Till I can believe it

Tell me again

 

She wonders how

He loves her

Even though she is plain

And broken sometimes

 

She cries

And isn’t strong

She is just the squishy girl

And he is more and always was