Sunday, October 11, 2015

Looking for a square.

I am not very good with being candid. In my head there are things you talk about, and things that you swallow down and just… keep. I do a lot of keeping when someone hurts me, or treats me badly or unfairly. I grew up in a situation where kids had a place, and there were consequences if we stepped out of turn. I learnt very quickly that there was nothing positive to be gained by speaking out, and I still feel the weight of my upbringing now. 

 As an adult, I will be in complete inner turmoil, and angry and hurt, but completely unable to express my feelings at all because I don’t want to push my (entirely valid) feelings onto someone else. I try to be frank about what I need to be okay, but people don’t want to hear about whats broken. They just want you to wind yourself up so they can play with the dancing monkey. 

 My last relationship where for years my partner did not contribute financially to the household, physically in the bedroom or emotionally unless it suited. He once told me not to stand with him at venues because music was ‘business’, and nobody wanted to do business with the guy standing with me on his arm. It took another few years of similar conversations before I finally took the hint and left him. When you ask someone for an hour a week, and they can’t give it to you because “…What if Lemmy is in town”, you are kicked into this awful understanding that you have zero significant value in that person’s life. Except that you will cook, clean, pay for and be ‘available’ when required. When they go “okay I’ll be back for my stuff but right now I’m going partying with my cousin & don’t have time to talk about it”, you know that you made the right choice. Being the disposable convenience person feels like shit, and it made me question what my value was at all. It still does.

Which is why I am feeling like I am feeling at the moment. It feels like as positive as I try to be, those insecurities of feeling disposable keep coming up. I am trying really hard to combat them, but try as I might, being taken for granted triggers these feelings of complete insecurity and uselessness. It takes a lot of work to bring myself back to reasoning, and it takes a little longer each time because being the disposable person time and time again. 

 I get upset – groups of friends that I though I was close with disappearing into nothing time and time again. I wonder what is wrong with me. Being excluded from a group despite my efforts to be supportive. Why am I not welcome? Being in a relationship where I am taken for granted (again). What is wrong with me? All these things that I turn inside because of lack of outside information. Lack of someone being able to tell me I matter. And not being able to accept it from myself because time and time again it is proven that I really don’t. 

 I concede that I am so sensitive about it now that sometimes, people don’t even know they have hurt me. I walk into a room youre sitting in, you walk out as I sit down next to you. I know that sometimes it is me being unreasonable. But sometimes I know it’s not. I know I am being upset over completely reasonable things, but then what? I had a conversation a few days ago. 

My partner is friends with these beautiful blonde skinny cosplayers a few people who I have had issues with in the past and I asked if he would mind unfollowing them, thinking it would be no big deal. He literally laughed in my face and refused to talk, other than to say that he didn’t even care about them. He thought that it was so unreasonable that he told me that I should have more self-worth than to worry… But, I just had him laugh in my face. So, I was confused, and offended, and upset and hurt. I wonder if they don’t matter then why is he defending keeping them so hard? I asked him. Incredulous anger, and silence. At least if we had the conversation we could have come to some conclusion. Agreement. Understanding. But I went to sleep in tears, unconsoled and feeling like Im still that convenience girl I was last time. There is no lonlier place in the world.

 And it’s really hard to convince myself otherwise at the moment. Outside of my relationship I have my job, and that’s pretty much it. I have casual friends, but nobody I could really sit down and have a tea with and destress. I work in an area where being an ‘alternate person’ is a very clear disadvantage. Not officially, but my management sort of decided I was stupid, and ever since have assigned tasks that are at best dull, and in no way aligned with my pay scale. I had originally been in IT, but a restructure saw management assign me to a team in a corporate environment that was a lot less accepting. As easy as it is to book meetings and spell check, I have been unfortunately blessed with a brain that craves being utilised and challenged to be motivated. I will constantly raise the need for meaningful work with my management which until now has been to no avail. Apparently if you start the correct HR process, ass covering commences and suddenly I find myself with ample workload, and management crying foul that I would accuse them of preventing me from having meaningful work to engage in. 

 Many times, I have considered medication. I have depression and anxiety medication in my drawer at work in case one day things are just too much. They are most days, but every time I look to dull the pain I read the side effects, and I push through. Because As bad as I feel, they seem worse, somehow. Mostly. Some days I come closer than others, but always they end up in the drawer. Why? I just don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with me. I am in the wrong place. I am frustrated and stressed out. I am out of my element. I am out of place. I am the square peg. And the square peg is supposed to be square no matter how much the pills will take the edge off it. 

 *I take the pill, and I sit in a round hole. Uncomfortably. But I am a square. I sit in the round hole and tell myself I’m a circle. But no amount of telling myself that and squishing myself into the round hole will change the fact that I am square. I have corners. And I am sad because I need a square hole.* 

 So I continue on, sometimes in tears, sometimes frustrated, sometimes numb, hoping that things will change and trying to imagine just how I would do that. How would I leave? Where would I go? Is it possible to have a life that I wouldn’t dream of escaping? No matter where I go, there I will be. With the same insecurities in a new place. Ready to poison that too. Until I find the square hole I belong. 

 …I hope it exists.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Again, again

He said

She has the prettiest smile in all the west

She hides it

Behind fingers

Nobody wants to see

So she hides


She wants to hear

Again again

Tell me the thing

Till I can believe it

Tell me again


Just plain

Hiding behind the strange

She is just plain

Wish someone could see and say

Its okay


He said

Youre stronger than this

She isn’t she isn’t

Not today

So she hides

Behind crying eyes


Trying to hold the stern face

And seem angry till it goes away

Full of knots inside

We won’t eat for two days

So full and empty


She wants to hear

Again again

Tell me the thing

Till I can believe it

Tell me again


She wonders how

He loves her

Even though she is plain

And broken sometimes


She cries

And isn’t strong

She is just the squishy girl

And he is more and always was


Saturday, June 28, 2014

Spare the rod, spoil the dog

The old matches
Struck against her cheek
Only a few more boxes
Ready for war

Amazing what she can do
Because she has no choice
Thought she was broken
She is the rising voice

Bearing arms
Quickening the rise
Up against the wall
Up against the rocking hard place

Hung her cage up
Around the dogs
Save her heart for fuel
Sparing them the rod

Sharp to slanted sticks
Clearing the debris from
Soldiers that never asked to fight
Soldiers that never asked to fight.

Maul you its her fault
Bite you its her fault
Spare the rod
Spoil the dog
Spare the rod 
Spoil the dog
Spoil the rod
Spare the dog

Most innocent of occasion
Dripping licks of hunger
The floor returns nothing but spoils
Nothing but spoilt surprise

The convicts rise
Beyond their station
The fury of fear
Unleashed on the tyrant

Now you respect her
Respect the beast in fear
Branded in furious terror
The monster lives here

Maul you its her fault
Bite you its her fault
Spare the rod
Spoil the dog
Spare the rod 
Spoil the dog
Spoil the rod
Spare the dog

She is the rising voice
You are the shrinking tyrant
Your soul charge
Destroyed a soul.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Get it right

Cant you be the 
Thing i get right

I see you
Could be something
With me something
With me

But can you see me?
Do you have the eyes that see inside?
Can you see me?
Do you want to see at all?

Try not to look
Too hard
See whats not there

Till i find
The heart
That wants to fit with mine

Your lips look perfect to me
Ive seen you before in a dream
Look too closely
Youll see youd be perfect for me

I make
Can you be the
Thing i get right?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Corporate Anarchy

Kick off your sheets
Youre getting weak
Shuffling the same old dead end street ya
Chew your food like a mule
Youre a fucking tool
Heading to a dead end job that makes you druel!

Cor-por-ate slavery
Making all that gravy
Corporate an-arch-y
Infiltrating the man from the inside out, into the street! 

Paper trail like a goddamn nail
And your head 
It is dead from the stupid mess
Tearing clothes that they dress you in
Like a whore what is more they
Tip you over the edge

Cor-por-ate slavery
Wasting all that gravy
Corporate an-arch-y
Meeting demands from the man from the inside out, hes gotta bleed! 

Lazy bosses
Fucking tossers
Bills come in
Paycheques pretty thin
Stupid paper
Fuck i hate ya
You fucking scab
This is the worst 9-5 ive ever had

Blow off this week
Gonna drop in the street 
So damn sick of this rhetoric
They changed the post again
So they can feel like a man
Rather be getting laid, but i gotta get paid cause 

Cor-por-ate slavery
Fat cats in the gravy
Corporate an-arch-y
Breaking down the man from the inside out, and then repeat! 

And then repeat
And then repeat

Friday, March 14, 2014

World on broken feet

Cant believe i might miss this
I want to see each day
Same as back home 
Eleven years & you went away

Crumbling insides seas
Cant make them go on forever
Crumbling inside me
Cant nearly go on forever

See the same eyes of mine
In yours burning deep
See the passage of time
Might see the same fate creep

Crumbling inside seas
Cant hold back the waves forever
Crashing inside me
Want to watch you grow for forever

Will i see the same black cat
Breaking down in my doorway
Will there be the same day that
You'll be standing in the driveway

Come eat inside me
Come sleep inside me
Come creep inside me
Cant fight them, baby

Cant shake this feeling
I might not be there
I hate the feeling
One day your heart might bear this on its own

Crashing inside me
Wars go on forever
I break inside me
Ill watch you for forever

Wont miss a step
Wont miss a beat
I cant do this forever
The world on broken feet

Creeping inside me
Crawling for too long
Beating inside me
Sometimes shit goes wrong
And the void that lingers on & on & on

Cant believe i might miss this
Dont want to see the day
Same as back home 
Eleven years still
Every second
Every minute
Every year
Till this day.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Dear hunter

Picking straight the edge
Dripping red blade sails
Tools of the trade
Glistening silver lining

Clear as crystal
The thought that you can rest
Sold bones the dealer glows
With such easy gait

And tools are shined and
Till you are ready keep shining
The plan in your mind

The glimmer of the
Falsest promise is the targeted
Point of entry to the
Life theyll leave behind

So finally each piece
Is pulled together like the
Old gold watch that ticks down
His only moments left

This time its your silver that is
Wrapped so carefully and gleaming
Waiting for the crimson sheen
To finally warm its bones and cool his chest

So candid along those streets 
Now filling with the dusk and dank
Dispel all other thoughts now
With intention, dear hunter

And aloft his glass is raised again
Like so many times you watched before
Mercilessly he unclocks with a clock 
Unhinging the lady at whim

And bleeding back down has rocked more
Than a few pretties youve seen
Dangling in the afterthoughts
And flush with blue & purple

Not another waste tonight though
Just the purest of intention clicks over
Steel pinging in your jacket
For any passer caring to listen

But each faceless face passed by with
A deserted smile in his 9-5
Too involved to get involved
You smoulder on your pathway

The kill is looming