Sunday, October 27, 2013

Bend at the knee, guy.

Give me a chance to be who i am
Not just the walking sideshow you dont want to conprehend
Glass isnt half full
I isnt half empty -
I just refuse to be
Anything - but me

Cause im not perfectly bright
Im not perfectly sane
Im not perfectly right

Caught between two worlds i tolerate
Can i be the only one suspended in this state?
Between your world
Between his too
Not quite right for their reality
Not quite right enough for you.

Im too quiet & shy
Always way too "the out there guy"
Far too quiet for the mob
But sorry - youre just not the right look & feel for the 9/5  job

Being twisted between both sides
Dont want to fit into the right set of lies
I have my own rhubix to figure out -
Without filtering it through what you think i "should" be about. 

One step forward
Another straw for my back
Wading through the world
Another step through tar i track


Cause you can be you as much as you want to be
Just dont expect its easy when theyve trained humanity
Cause you can be you as much as you want to be
Just dont think it will fit into someone elses version of reality. 

Stay down like a dog
&soon enough you will be
Stand up like a man
And theyll try bend your knees to fit, see?

theres forever been your own internal truth
But so few can commit to be the one that stays up on the roof as 
everyone climbs down eventually
Soon enough the sheep will call you down to face reality

Crumpled, the world embeds like wrinkles
The more sand falls the less time you take for sprinkles
You dont have to see the world like me
Just be the guy that still wants to see. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

Snapped heart

Sometimes i feel like im the only on that feels, 
Like if my skin melted & all my bones, my heart would still be real.
But the glue i use is breaking.
The shards too small for faking. Sometimes i wonder why be me, because its all ill ever be. 
My hands are shaking,
body aching. 
And if i could be so bold, 
maybe you just prefer me cold. 
Guess its just a mess from here. 
Id ask, but fear what id hear. 
Because, maybe you complete me. 
You could be loving me so sweetly. 
But instead you hide. 
So i keep what i feel inside. 
And just keep rolling like my tears - 
just thought there was something special here.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I am so fucking tired right now...

I should be sleeping, but my brain is ticking... "Tick, tock" it says... Time will crumble through one piece of sand at a time... 
"Tick, tock", like tar... Oozing through the hourglass... Slower & slower. Time is slow. 
Time is stopped. 

20 burns hotter than the burning 8, today. Time slides backwards & slinks into itself. It weaves & flips. Flicking its poison tongue like...a serpent and ashing through itself. Time is dust. Time is sand. 
"Tick, tock" another grain falls through and time jolts forward. Just a second. Just an ache. Only an ache closer. And then the tar and serpent are back to drain her. She is not linear. She is selective. And you must wait until she has had her fill. Until she has had her say. Once she is done the clock can lurch forward another inch..."Tick, tock" I will wait impatiently while she slithers & dances around me. Until, once again, she will steal the moment i want all too soon.
A million grazed knees & hopscotches. Thats what makes me perfect. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Part 2.

There is a moment where all time stops. Or maybe it doesnt. Theoretically, time could be a static point and our perspective is what is in flux. Either way, there is a perceived moment in my mind where I bundled all of time into a single moment. And not only time. This moment was the same one where everything became glaringly clear to me - the universe simultaneously became infinite and insignificant,  everything became the same thing and the place where i was became the the place that i am. 

I felt an intrinsic feeling of calm with this realization. I could literally feel all the things i stressed out about & worried for, drain away from me. In place of them, an intense feeling of singleness with all things. A purposeful, conscious link that, perhaps, my brain had chosen not to reveal to me until that precise moment. 

...I am finding this exceedingly difficult to explain. Not in any sensical way, but it is difficult to put into words something that there are no words sufficient to describe. What i experienced within myself was profound, and my core is irreversibly changed for the better because of it. I cannot tell you that you would have the same inner feels were you to experience the exact same thing. I have no doubt that the universe will choose to speak to each of you with a different voice it spoke to me from, and what each of you hear will be within the context of that and the experience it chooses to speak through. What you hear is a reflection of what your home needs in that moment. The universe chose this moment very simply to demonstrate in overwhelmingly precise detail, that i am not the island i so commonly felt like. I am not alone. That it is quite entirely impossible to be so removed when everything ad infinitum is the one thing.

People have a habit of choosing tracks to journey along and, without significant experiences or reason to influence them, many people will continue on these paths for no reason other than the fact that it is a familiar path, or that it is the path of least resistance. Some people continue on their paths simply because they have no additional data to incorporate. My path has taken me in many directions. I have lived what i thought people wanted me to be for many years. Lived what i thought i wanted to be. Lived under a shadow that i burdened my own self with. Today, my path feels clearer than i recall it ever being. It is certainly not the road i was traveling even one month ago, and i have an awareness of my own core being that i have never quite been able to sense. I travel to work each day & see the faces of these people... sullen and burdened. i view the experience now with almost a sense of irony. They look at me like im crazy, but what is crazy really? If you ask me, doing something because it makes you smile and feel sated inside isnt crazy, even if it may look like that from the outside. Day in, day out doing the same thing you didn't want to do in the first place for credits on a little plastic card; thats craziness - but people look on that like thats sanity. If the dumbest, craziest thing i do with my life is go to work, i can deal with that. I can deal because it affords me the luxury of doing all these things that enhance my calm and make me smile. They let me feel. They bring me home, and thats the whole point, isn't it? You are made up of all these experiences which, when you combine them, bring you closer to who you are meant to be. Each experience is something that you use to create yourself, so at the last garrison, you can stand proud and free of regret.

My body is just a tool. A vessel that carries me. One day the vessel will get old. It will get damaged. It will crack and break and crumble and sink. Until then i will paint the ceilings & run my fingers over the walls to find the cracks. All the unique facets & flaws. the dings, scrapes & cuts. They are the things. They are the things that make me. 

When the day comes for the ship to run aground & sink i will stand firm at the helm knowing that my journey is complete. I have found home. My core. My being is complete and sated. I have not lived in halves. I have experienced each season. And i am finally me in my completeness, ready to be free once again.