Thursday, October 3, 2013

Part 2.

There is a moment where all time stops. Or maybe it doesnt. Theoretically, time could be a static point and our perspective is what is in flux. Either way, there is a perceived moment in my mind where I bundled all of time into a single moment. And not only time. This moment was the same one where everything became glaringly clear to me - the universe simultaneously became infinite and insignificant,  everything became the same thing and the place where i was became the the place that i am. 

I felt an intrinsic feeling of calm with this realization. I could literally feel all the things i stressed out about & worried for, drain away from me. In place of them, an intense feeling of singleness with all things. A purposeful, conscious link that, perhaps, my brain had chosen not to reveal to me until that precise moment. 

...I am finding this exceedingly difficult to explain. Not in any sensical way, but it is difficult to put into words something that there are no words sufficient to describe. What i experienced within myself was profound, and my core is irreversibly changed for the better because of it. I cannot tell you that you would have the same inner feels were you to experience the exact same thing. I have no doubt that the universe will choose to speak to each of you with a different voice it spoke to me from, and what each of you hear will be within the context of that and the experience it chooses to speak through. What you hear is a reflection of what your home needs in that moment. The universe chose this moment very simply to demonstrate in overwhelmingly precise detail, that i am not the island i so commonly felt like. I am not alone. That it is quite entirely impossible to be so removed when everything ad infinitum is the one thing.

People have a habit of choosing tracks to journey along and, without significant experiences or reason to influence them, many people will continue on these paths for no reason other than the fact that it is a familiar path, or that it is the path of least resistance. Some people continue on their paths simply because they have no additional data to incorporate. My path has taken me in many directions. I have lived what i thought people wanted me to be for many years. Lived what i thought i wanted to be. Lived under a shadow that i burdened my own self with. Today, my path feels clearer than i recall it ever being. It is certainly not the road i was traveling even one month ago, and i have an awareness of my own core being that i have never quite been able to sense. I travel to work each day & see the faces of these people... sullen and burdened. i view the experience now with almost a sense of irony. They look at me like im crazy, but what is crazy really? If you ask me, doing something because it makes you smile and feel sated inside isnt crazy, even if it may look like that from the outside. Day in, day out doing the same thing you didn't want to do in the first place for credits on a little plastic card; thats craziness - but people look on that like thats sanity. If the dumbest, craziest thing i do with my life is go to work, i can deal with that. I can deal because it affords me the luxury of doing all these things that enhance my calm and make me smile. They let me feel. They bring me home, and thats the whole point, isn't it? You are made up of all these experiences which, when you combine them, bring you closer to who you are meant to be. Each experience is something that you use to create yourself, so at the last garrison, you can stand proud and free of regret.

My body is just a tool. A vessel that carries me. One day the vessel will get old. It will get damaged. It will crack and break and crumble and sink. Until then i will paint the ceilings & run my fingers over the walls to find the cracks. All the unique facets & flaws. the dings, scrapes & cuts. They are the things. They are the things that make me. 

When the day comes for the ship to run aground & sink i will stand firm at the helm knowing that my journey is complete. I have found home. My core. My being is complete and sated. I have not lived in halves. I have experienced each season. And i am finally me in my completeness, ready to be free once again. 

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